Where my persona was August 2016
A Reverence for Life…
Every day, we see life, and walk on by because our thoughts are wrapped up in past or future events. I find it difficult to be ‘present’ because it is usually seen as unproductive or unconventional to self-express my creativity.
When I was a child, I loved the things I had so much that I named each one and treated them the same as I did people. I didn’t really want what others had [though I enjoyed them], my imagination was always much more exciting. Having that within myself felt spiritual on a level I could not feel with people, which explains why I was always alone and in nature.
I didn’t know that my belongings were alive with my energy as I gave them significance in this world in relation to me. This would be a glimpse into how to create life in and around me as an adult.
I seem to have this intense focus when I want to and I find that it only takes 24 hours sometimes to manifest what I want. I tend to love all my creations deeply, and that includes the people that come in and out… Whoever comes in, and whatever goes out of my life is evidence of what I’m creating, an aspect of who I am, what I’m thinking, and where I’m headed, which is why it’s so important to give our intentions thoughtfulness and reverence. It’s simultaneous in innocence and divine power.
This is why we should fall in love with everything in our lives.
I’ve also experienced what it’s like to manifest very dark things. This began when I allowed my family and others to dictate how I should behave and conduct myself. I thought it was natural because being innocent was no longer age appropriate.
I’d been rejected my whole life by those closest to me, and I wasn’t really fitting in with anyone I was coming across. Everything seemed to be so harsh and disappointing. I was lost and angry, and hurting others was not an option. I began to isolate and had a brief time where I experienced agoraphobia. I just could not function anymore it seemed.
This trauma created a huge riff between my soul and my experience. I didn’t realize the dark world I was about to create based expressly on the negative information and hurtful statements about “who I was” to them. Because of my abilities, my mother, who influenced the rest of my family, said very damaging things that she said she saw in me. I’ve only recently learned that we are mirrors to others, so what she was seeing in me, was truly what she didn’t want to see in herself. But it had been too late at that point, I was devastated.
There was no life to be found and to think I was capable of doing that to others paralyzed me. My recurring dreams were trying to warn me of my condition [picture attached]. I just sat there, suspended in a bubble, unable to move in any direction because it was so painful.
Life was over for me, and I had no idea how to get it back.
In 2015, I spent six months doing heavy and intense research on the different ways I could choose to painlessly exit and, knowing how fervent prayer works, I created mantras that I’d say all throughout the day to accelerate it. A few months later, what I was manifesting presented itself, and I transitioned, but didn’t know it. I believe I passed into another time line.
A blood clot had been removed from my head, apparently, but I felt amazing. Nothing inside me was the same, even though my surroundings didn’t change much. The only thing to do was dig myself out of the hole I’d previously put myself in, which was simply bullshit, but that is where I was.
I opened myself up to guides and was told to never stop running. I made matrix after matrix to manifest change for myself and bring about a different world altogether. I read Manifesting Change by Mike Dooley, found a book called Everything Toltec Wisdom and a few on quantum physics. Things were happening, my perspective on the world was changing and, even though I was still very angry inside, I knew I was on the right path to healing everything. Not sure what my purpose was, but I had a long way to go maybe.
I had come to a point where I knew that I could change everything, and I struggled because it was scary knowing I was responsible for everything I saw and the potential I had to change it. I get why it’s easier to have religion [aka scapegoats] to fall back on to take responsibility for our shitty manifestations and why we have a right to stay there.
I decided that I’d go back to creating life again, so I connected with my things and asked for their help as I struggled to enlighten. And as beautiful as it was to discover what I could do so far, the world felt very cruel as it shattered into pieces and came together, fell back to pieces and reformed… expanding and contracting – over and over and over.
I had to stop asking myself how I felt about anything because I was just too exhausted and I couldn’t do it anymore at times. I knew I could never go back, and it felt like all I could do was crawl forward when I couldn’t walk anymore. It paid off, because I felt myself altering my environment and time, along with anything else I did not like and wanted to change. When you discover that you can manipulate your reality, it’s INCREDIBLE, coupled with cautious awareness that there’s something bigger to answer to now. A lot like holding a loaded weapon; everything changes in proximity to it.
Knowing that we have abilities and limitless opportunity to recreate ourselves and our environment does a lot to put things in perspective. When we discover this, it’s not long after that that we begin to merge with the concept of respecting life and what we do with it.