In 2014 or 2015 I came across a guy that I’d made a soul contract with but didn’t know at the time, all I knew was that I favored him. The night we met, I had a glass of wine and he was having a lot of whatever he was drinking. I’m low-key and he was the opposite, it was a bit exciting. His behavior was a bit off, but I had never seen anything like this so I wasn’t sure what was happening enough to identify it. I was at a point in my life where I was ready for what I was ready for and something was working with this guy that night. He later told me he was an alcoholic.
It was a fast and intense romance the first month, but the moment he said he wanted to marry and take care of me, I knew all of this was about him, not us. Not only that, but it’s such a turn-off when a guy [confident and convinced in his acting abilities] says, “I want to marry you and have a life with you” without a ring or a clue who they are talking to. That is usually where it ends and I was going to walk away, but something told me I needed to go with it. I was like, okay, I have no idea what alcoholism is about, let’s see where this goes.
I ended up seeing psychological issues with my roommates, and it was threatening my safety, so this guy offered to move in together… I agreed despite the fact that he was convinced that he was going to make all my dreams come true, so I let his fantasy play out while I just followed my intuition to stay with him. I wasn’t there to hurt him, but I wasn’t there to enable him either, and I made it clear before I moved in that whatever issues he had with his drinking were his, not mine. It actually didn’t bother me that he drank all the time, I am pretty independent and liked the company without the feeling of being smothered.
There were times I needed him so much, but this wasn’t about me, and anytime I tried to make it about me, I wished I hadn’t. I decided to practice, over and over getting disappointed and hurt by this person until I cried. Honestly, I wasn’t there to simply be abused, but I don’t know why other than letting go of outcomes I guess. I did not want to do this over again at a later time, so this was happening.
I was with this person for 3 months and it was over, finally. Someone reading this my think that 3 months isn’t a long time, but it is when you lived with an abusive mother and sister who hated you on a daily basis for 18 years, subsequently until you were 37, and you thought you had finally gotten out of that. It also may sound as thought this person meant nothing to me, but it’s not true, I cared deeply for him. It was just so painful to stand by while someone put themselves through this pain and all you can do is watch.
The only healthy thing I was able to take away from it was when he once said that I needed to re-write my story and let go of my past. He also said I was esoteric.
Initially, I equated re-writing my life with running from/escaping it, but it’s so far from the truth. Until I could break away from everything I had known, I couldn’t explore my unknown which is where I was all along, waiting to be discovered.
A re-write is erasing everything that doesn’t serve the person you are, or want to be. A lot of times we need to add in things that we wish would’ve happened and didn’t. It’s not lying, it’s creating a new version of yourself that those that were supposed to love most should’ve told you about yourself and didn’t. I remember thinking that, if I ever had a child, I would tell her who she was before anyone else did. And she would be able to fly and dream and love and she was this superhero who could change the world.
Your story is, and can be, anything. And when you finish writing it, adding to it, editing it, go to bed at night and press play. Make it truly real for you. Do this over and over until you’ve also rewired your neurological maps and pathways to this outcome as well.