There are two types of empaths…
One easily identifies, has the ability to move through, and overcomes situations where everything and everyone seems like an attack on who they are, what they believe, and how they respond in life without it breaking them. The other has not yet discovered how to move out of the feeling of being a victim to it all of it, which is a very valid response [suffering with the ones who suffer] when we first realize we are empaths, or until we realize it.
Empaths deal with so many emotions, that we drown in them if we cannot see them for what they are and allow ourselves to move through and with them.
Being sensitive is never a curse, having our abilities is never a curse… our inability to mature in our abilities is the curse.
One huge part of our maturity is gaining control over our weakness in regards to suffering. There is suffering everywhere, but it’s not in our nature to stand idly by and watch, nor is absorbing all of the disturbances something that is easy to deal with, but we must.
Desensitization to the things that disturb us the most is very important to push through because it is one of the only ways we can push ourselves out of victimhood, and into our true power. Desensitization will not make you any less of an empath, fearing something will. The goal is fearlessness that has merged with ultimate love and the power to heal.
We have to realize that fearlessness about things isn’t insensitivity or callousness, it’s courage to face life. There is no way I would ask advice, or get healing, from someone who had no confidence in themselves… would you?
It will be difficult at first, but you should watch, read or encounter, as many uncomfortable things as you can to take the shock out of it so that it has no more hold over debilitating you again. If we don’t, we will be victims our entire lives and tragically ineffective in fulfilling our purpose.
The process of desensitizing, in a controlled environment and with preparedness, moves empaths out of the traps of feeling hopeless, despondent, and powerless. Once you can master controlling when you see the things that disturb you and how you can work with your feelings about it, doubt and fear will be replaced with empowerment to handle it when it comes up again, but it’s an ongoing process to work on until it catches something inside of you and takes on it’s own power from there to keep you where you need to be… which ultimately in control of yourself, your environment and any variables that try and change it.
In 2014 or 2015 I came across a guy that I’d made a soul contract with but didn’t know at the time, all I knew was that I favored him. The night we met, I had a glass of wine and he was having a lot of whatever he was drinking. I’m low-key and he was the opposite, it was a bit exciting. His behavior was a bit off, but I had never seen anything like this so I wasn’t sure what was happening enough to identify it. I was at a point in my life where I was ready for what I was ready for and something was working with this guy that night. He later told me he was an alcoholic.
It was a fast and intense romance the first month, but the moment he said he wanted to marry and take care of me, I knew all of this was about him, not us. Not only that, but it’s such a turn-off when a guy [confident and convinced in his acting abilities] says, “I want to marry you and have a life with you” without a ring or a clue who they are talking to. That is usually where it ends and I was going to walk away, but something told me I needed to go with it. I was like, okay, I have no idea what alcoholism is about, let’s see where this goes.
I ended up seeing psychological issues with my roommates, and it was threatening my safety, so this guy offered to move in together… I agreed despite the fact that he was convinced that he was going to make all my dreams come true, so I let his fantasy play out while I just followed my intuition to stay with him. I wasn’t there to hurt him, but I wasn’t there to enable him either, and I made it clear before I moved in that whatever issues he had with his drinking were his, not mine. It actually didn’t bother me that he drank all the time, I am pretty independent and liked the company without the feeling of being smothered.
There were times I needed him so much, but this wasn’t about me, and anytime I tried to make it about me, I wished I hadn’t. I decided to practice, over and over getting disappointed and hurt by this person until I cried. Honestly, I wasn’t there to simply be abused, but I don’t know why other than letting go of outcomes I guess. I did not want to do this over again at a later time, so this was happening.
I was with this person for 3 months and it was over, finally. Someone reading this my think that 3 months isn’t a long time, but it is when you lived with an abusive mother and sister who hated you on a daily basis for 18 years, subsequently until you were 37, and you thought you had finally gotten out of that. It also may sound as thought this person meant nothing to me, but it’s not true, I cared deeply for him. It was just so painful to stand by while someone put themselves through this pain and all you can do is watch.
The only healthy thing I was able to take away from it was when he once said that I needed to re-write my story and let go of my past. He also said I was esoteric.
Initially, I equated re-writing my life with running from/escaping it, but it’s so far from the truth. Until I could break away from everything I had known, I couldn’t explore my unknown which is where I was all along, waiting to be discovered.
A re-write is erasing everything that doesn’t serve the person you are, or want to be. A lot of times we need to add in things that we wish would’ve happened and didn’t. It’s not lying, it’s creating a new version of yourself that those that were supposed to love most should’ve told you about yourself and didn’t. I remember thinking that, if I ever had a child, I would tell her who she was before anyone else did. And she would be able to fly and dream and love and she was this superhero who could change the world.
Your story is, and can be, anything. And when you finish writing it, adding to it, editing it, go to bed at night and press play. Make it truly real for you. Do this over and over until you’ve also rewired your neurological maps and pathways to this outcome as well.
A study was done to see how easily influenced people really are in conforming to their environment. The stage was set by placing a guy in a wait room where people came and went for auditions. Each time a monitor would ding, his job would be to stand up and then sit back down [no eye contact and no talking], to see if another would do it. It only took seeing this guy do it once before they began doing it themselves, and no one questioned anything. The guy who staged this eventually left, and the person continued doing it while others came in, and it caught on after the first time, and still, no one questioned anything.
Unless you are thinking for yourself and understand that there aren’t consequences for doing so, you have a handler and your mind is not your own. What we think are “consequences” doesn’t even exist in the bigger scheme of things. It only exists in the 3d level, where everyone is a drone and time means everything to the meaning of their day – everything in their life is dictated by times they have to be somewhere and accomplish something in. Military, government, corporate jobs are all examples of drone work. Clock in, clock out, don’t ask questions.
We’ve all seen people controlled by others, it’s pretty common because we’ve all [at one point or another] given up our own right to be an individual for the sake of income or acceptance. There comes a point in time where you will question everything about this [hopefully], and begin to understand that doing what you want, when you want to do it, brings so much more freedom and you move out of the way of answering to anyone for anything. And when you get the hang of that, you move up another level and then another. It’s called personal mastery, because you can’t move up until you’ve mastered where you are. The ultimate goal is to rule your life independently of any outside influence, while working collectively towards accomplishing what you came here to do.
I was so inspired to read that the women in France were going on strike until they received the same income as men for the same jobs. While it’s not the feminine aspect that makes me proud, it’s the fact that an entire group of people banned together for what they believed was worth holding out for, and gaining leverage to redefine something that was no longer working for them, and fear was not an option.
If all of us banned together and stopped working in order to pursue our dreams instead, it would put us at a tremendous advantage to call the shots and define what our lives will be like and what is truly important in life. Imagine if we banned together and relied on ingenuity to meet the needs of others instead of what we are doing now…
Working for any company at this point in time is exactly what having a handler is representative of. Working for others goes against our very human nature to help and Love by design.
If I could, I’d use the technique I did this morning [permanent magnetic heart for the ferromagnetic moments in our lives blog] to pull all of our time lines together and attract the very moment when we get this concept, and have it happen simultaneously now… and then grab the popcorn.
There’s not enough coffee right now…
Why is the largest cup that Dazbog offers 16 oz [it is the best coffee]? We commit to so many things in our day that are vastly less healthy, is it so much to ask for a Big Gulp coffee…
The matter at hand……
I’m going to experiment with something. Right now, I’ve created a permanent magnetic heart that can pull together all of the ferromagnetic moments in my life where I am fully immersed in assertive gentleness, or patience, or strength, or temperance and stability [while submerged in Love].
I’ve pulled the string of time into a vertex at my heart and watched all of those moments shoot towards me and I hold them there.
While I was pinning the string, a loop came out. The loop didn’t rotate, but was stationary. I want to say that the words revolved in the thread of the loop, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t and my mind was compensating for what it thought should happen and the only way it could explain the word “loop”.
All in all, the experiment was totally worth it. I felt all of what I could at once and I got to flex my scientific muscle with what I know, and what I want to create and know.
Where my persona is today…
There are so many species of beings out there… star seeds, fae, nymphs, humans, etc., so we will have differences in some of our experiences, but merge in others. Since our bodies are these manifestations of our higher selves, we should recognize and connect to our souls and allow it to accomplish unity and purpose within us.
What I mean by “let it do what it needs to do” is, anytime we need to express something, we should just do it, but with fun and joy. Sometimes my body wants me to wave my arms or twist, so I do and it moves stagnant energy I didn’t know I had and I’m happy. If we fight ourselves we accomplish nothing. Doing simple things that your body asks will make it easier to hear your soul ask you to do things in order to work out your karma, heal or grow. If we deny these things about ourselves, we backlog our own growth and understanding of how things truly are. We deny ourselves truth.
I’ve written about where all of our energy and creativity lies, and that’s at the source of who we are… the seat of our soul/higher selves. Our source is our busy little workshop that makes everything we see possible. Our battles are worked out in the shop, not in our daily/waking lives. Our souls have planned out our day and when we resist the things that happens in it, all we do is steal energy from our source and begin wearing ourselves out. That’s why we are so tired all the time and we can’t change our lives that way.
The situations we face during the day were created specifically for you and no one else. Everything was created beforehand in your workshop and is perfectly timed and we see the right outcome if we stick to the plan. If we ever want to change what we see, it begins with our thoughts and our beliefs on the matter that then goes to the drawing board of our workshop and is hashed out from there. A woman today bought a scale that measures weight and said she’s thinking skinny, or something to that effect. A scale is only going to confirm what we are already thinking and believe about ourselves… “we are overweight and need to lose weight” and that is what it represents. It’s the thoughts that lead up to that, the thoughts that I chose that begin to awaken my consciousness about things. These thoughts could look like this… “I use way too many disposable things [coffee cups, tissue], I should find a way to use a handkerchief instead [or a washable travel cup]”. That leads me to feeling better about who I am, so I begin to understand that certain foods aren’t helping me feel good about myself, so I change how I look at food, and my garbage, and then it just grows from there and all of a sudden, my whole lifestyle has changed for the better. That is such a leap from buying a scale to get skinny, because life is a lifestyle, not a short-term fix or goal.
Waking up each day is my soul resetting my fuckups and hoping I get it right today. Everything is planned out, I just need to trust that everything’s okay and choose peace and harmony with it. There is nothing I need to fight for, I just need to be available and work with my soul to accomplish what it’s telling me to do at that time it tells me to do it. Just go about my day and be available.
When my soul says, “You should do that 15 minute yoga thing you did the other day when you get home tonight”, and if I go home and do it, bam, accomplished. When it says, “Hey, instead of being afraid of your anger right now, why don’t you let it go with them and take this to your desk and let’s square this away together”. Accomplished, done. It takes less effort, time and energy to work together, than to fight. I believe that there is more that is worth surrendering for than fighting for. Every time I chose to fight myself, it gets put back on the drawing board to deal with over and over.
My focus in life isn’t anything more than this. It’s just today… and it’s just this moment.
It’s a beautifully orchestrated piece if we can flow with the music of our life and not feel guilty about it. Anytime we feel fear, our soul will give us the answer if we ask.
Where my persona was November 2016…
The most beautiful story of all isn’t in print, it’s what’s being created right now, and right now and right now and right now, right now, and now… it’s in THIS second, not a second ago or the next one.
Everything can change for you right this second.
There is no past, only memories of the past, but I can change the past by what I do with this moment – I can rewrite my entire story if I wanted to, and I have many times. I have no debt to the past. I need not worry because now changes everything.
This concept pertains to creating new outcomes, not disregarding responsibility in your life.
Right now, you are living the life of your dreams, and if you are not happy, go inward and look at your core beliefs and desires, there’s the culprit. It’s not your surroundings; it’s your core manifesting what you are now seeing.
It takes strength and courage to become introspective and change what you find you don’t want anymore. Becoming introspective means foregoing the influence of others on what you decide is of value and replacing it with what you discover meets your needs in order to thrive and live your truth. What this looks like is, you… sitting alone with yourself and asking very hard questions and then wait… wait… wait for the answers and when they come, acting on those answers despite logic and everything else. It’s leaping and trusting in that inner knowing that this is the right thing to do, and that this is what you’ve been waiting for in your life all along.
As you do this over and over, you can go deeper into your core and change everything. Your core is this conference room where everything is decided, where everything is discussed and where everything is set in motion to manifest what’s been decided there, you will begin to see everything you are experiencing right now change. You will begin to understand that it’s where you and the universe hash out everything and, that whatever you ask for, the universe will conspire to give you – unbiased. Just remember, the universe does not correct your mistakes, it just makes it happen.
This is our design. This is life.
Life is the act of creation and death is only the further advancement of that creation. We don’t die; we shift timelines to fulfill our purpose until we get it right… over and over and over. That’s why we experience Déjà vu, we’ve been there many times to get it right. People fear physical death and allow themselves to be distracted by something that doesn’t exist because we are simply transitioning into other states of being each time. There is no entity waiting to judge us. We are accountable to ourselves and karma, but when we get it right, harmony transcends that karma. There is no good or bad/right or wrong, only cause and effect. Succumbing to the judgment of anything other than ourselves is less than who we are. We aren’t here to be good in hopes for a reward someday; we are here to be in service to each other’s spiritual growth at the level of consciousness we are operating from in order to work out our own obligations. We chose our lives before we came here, and that is the purpose of life, to remember who we are and recreate everything we see according to our own desires. We aren’t meant to live our lives limited and in fear.
An example of this is the scarecrow effect: I was driving down the road in a residential area and there was a device that measures your speed and tells you what that speed is. If you go over a certain speed, it flashes at you. If you exceed 10mph it flashes blue and red [simulating the lights of a police car that’s pulled you over to give you a ticket] How do I know this? Not going to lie, I enjoy the thought of pushing it there in hopes it will blow a fuse]. I am unable to put into words how annoying it is to drive 20mph in a 30mph because people are paralyzed with the fear because of this thing.
All I could see was this picture of a scarecrow in a field duping crows into fearing for their own safety when there is no danger. And the arrogance of it all – crows are simply doing what they were designed to do. Speeding devices aren’t clever, but a bit insulting. It’s designed for people who don’t abide by them [nor do they really care] anyway, and the rest simply can’t think for themselves and overcompensate, so it ups the ante from insulting to absurdity.
I’m not advocating breaking the law, I’m simply stating the overrated status of being a law abiding citizen at the expense of being innately what we are designed to be, which is for me to decide. I’m astounded and grieved by what we allow others to impose on us.
Sans chaos, take a stand and embrace yourself as you are and push the boundaries of what you are capable of when left to your own devices. It’s worth figuring out what that means because there is something amazing waiting, believe me, this world isn’t it. The standard is inside you. It’s a world where you don’t need to be told what to do, because you are already doing it, and this frees up all of your time to focus on what is important – your purpose.
The fear of being pulled over doesn’t inspire love. Choosing to be as courteous and safe as you can because you value yourself and others is what inspires love. Striving to be perfect is not Love, just being who you are and living your truth is what inspires Love. Life isn’t about rules, it’s about freedom. If you can’t learn how to free yourself from this world, then you will always be bound by the rules in it. Stop and ask yourself what you think and question things. It’s really okay to do your own thing entirely. Unplug and ask yourself what inspires love [in yourself and others], and if you can be a part of changing the world, simply by changing yourself.
I’m a 39 year old, never married, being of strength, temperance and temper. I’m an artist, creator, introvert, psychic, manifestor, connected to the source of Love, healer, highly sensitive, go to war, protector type – yeah, I can be intense at times. I’ve died already in this lifetime [described below] and it’s possible I’ve transitioned time lines more than once, so it’s not a fear of mine. I began awakening last year in 2015 after what I describe below happened and changed everything for me.
HOW “LOOKING BENEATH THE SURFACE BEGAN”
I was driving to work once day and saw a cloud that looked like a hand below a line, but pointing up to it. I took a picture of it because I felt it was significant [attached] and had thought of doing a lot of writing, but had no clue where that would lead. So, I made a FB page that is useless now, but friends told me I should put my writings and realizations out there, so I did, and it was the right time to do so because, the day that I put all of my writings here in WordPress, my FB page crashed and I lost everything. I have one woman to thank for this, but we only were able to speak briefly before she offered to get me out there. If you are reading, words cannot express, Thank You.
HOW I SWITCHED TIME LINES [some would say “died”, but we don’t ever die]
~At this time in my life, I didn’t know that death wasn’t a thing~
On August 12, 2015, I had surgery for a blood clot in my head – thrombosis of some sort – and my life changed drastically at that point. I had actually “died”, but since we don’t really die, I shifted timelines.
I sat down with a notebook and was doing an exercise that I had read on how to get in touch with guides that we all apparently have, so I opened a dialogue and things surfaced. After my guide introduced himself, I asked question after question and it went quickly. I had asked a question [I can’t remember what it was] and his answer was, “run, and don’t stop“.
What will happen if I stop? “you’ll die”
Death is not a motivating factor for me to do anything, what else you got? “don’t stop running”
I sure as hell wasn’t going to take up exercise, so I let it go, he could show me at a later time if that’s what he wanted. It took almost a year before I understood that, through all of the research and despair and depression I went through in facing myself and what I truly was, what he meant was “never stop searching for answers to who you are”. It had nothing to do with exercise after all. About a month or so ago, I found finally found out who I truly am, and why I’m here. I discovered my purpose. But before that time…
I’d gone through evolution after evolution with psychology, energy, spirits, buddha, jesus… I feel that the figures presented to us, untouchable and unattainable, are distractions if they do not serve the purpose of directing us within ourselves for the answer. There is no reason we should take the word of anyone above our own experience, especially if it comes from anything other than love and reverence for life.
All my life I’ve barely thrived after being dropped into the middle of the ocean to find my way back, but that is apparently what I planned for this life because of what it takes to do what I’m beginning to do now, why I’m here. It turns out that my biological mother and sister, in another life, put a curse on me and I came back to have it resolved. Whether you believe in those sorts of things or not is irrelevant, I lived it and I never want to go through that again. My guide telling me to never stop running or I’ll die was to find the man who cleared that curse. So many times I came close to giving up.
I feel it’s my purpose to live, research and write about the core issues that no one talks about anymore. I will write about many subjects, but I feel strongly about getting back to a reverence for life and what that means. I’m going through an intense healing from my past and the curse, so it may take a year or so to get to the core of my original desire for starting this blog. I’m feeling around in the dark, so bare with me. I may be able to talk about the curse one day and what my life had been like under it, but it’s difficult to put it out into the world right now.
I look forward to those that join me on this journey. The theme will be “looking beneath the surface”.
We will meet many beings that are aspects of who we are on this journey from the illusion of separateness to oneness… I am the aspect of you that wants to wake up.
Where my persona was August 2016
We are all connected. We can all communicate with each other through energy.
We can all come into an empowerment to control our own lives, our emotions, and our perspective on what is true, without the influence of what you see around you.
There is only one [of two] force[s] that allows us to do this… Love.
It is a simple concept, but it is NOT what we’ve all thought it was all along. Nowhere close. In order to understand what I’m about to say, you must throw out everything you think you know about it.
We are coming into an age where people are going to begin to get it. It’s happening, and I, for one, am going to talk about it as much as I can. It is also going to change everything, because I am everything, you are everything. I’ve only ever felt this force in its fullest as a child, unconditionally, and sincerely. It is a reverence for all life. Period.
Connecting to Love goes hand in hand with the realization that a force, you cannot contain, wants to flow through you and connect you to everything. It wants you to fall in love with as many things as possible, because it is in love with everything possible. That is its gift, its power and intended use. I can’t fully understand what I’m about to say next, but everything serves a purpose, and it’s not possible to respect that without Love and a reverence for life.
Only you can experience Love [a reverence for life] for yourself, and it isn’t designed for someone else to give that to you – it’s a gift only you can give yourself, and that’s where everything begins, with you. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, but it’s not through logic that you will experience it anyway. We can only begin to open the flow of this force when we move away from the chatter of others and attune to our own feelings and intuition. Believe me, when you begin to discover your truth, others will surface that are like-minded.
Nothing that comes to your mind should be disregarded, it should be paid attention to with priority and followed. I feel that I must mention how important it is to kept this journey of self-discovery to yourself until you can have a solid grasp on what it is you are experiencing, if not, you’ll spiral even more or lose all sense of focus – if you are meant to share, someone will come into your life that you can have a safe space to do that with.
Our approach to this should not be the same approach we lend to a diet… it is a commitment to something bigger than ourselves. An awakening to step outside of the limits of this world and redefine everything in it.
At this very moment, my belief is that it’s likely we are NOT going to understand it in its entirety. It’s a flow and it never stops. It’s almost as if you can’t “experience” it, but surrender to it. It is boundless, expansive, powerful and holy. In order to get that, you’re also going to have to revamp what you think the word “holy” means also. I cannot expound on the purity of its force with any other word. If you seek to channel this life giving force in its intended form, it will open up everything you have ever needed in your life, by simply being [with it]. It’s a profound anchor to manifesting.
This is a lot to take in… I fluctuate between being lucid about this and feeling completely out of my element with the sense of how much it goes against the grain of my metal. All I know is, that operating from this place of Love always brings my desired outcome, because it isn’t about others, it’s about me and my approach to everything I’ve called into existence [manifested for myself].
I have some examples below of how to possibly see this applied.
Thought patterns: Love vs. Fear
Fear – you are subject to the experiences of others. Love – you are subject to your own experience.
“Terri! Go fuck yourself”…
“Um, how ’bout ‘fuck YOU buddy'” [fear]
“Terri! Go fuck yourself”…
“If I’ve done something to hurt you, it’s my responsibility to apologize and make it right.” [love/reconciling karma]
[These are an example to make my point. Obviously, you shouldn’t stay/contend with toxic others if that’s the scenario]
“Why are you so [insert hurtful negative words]?” [fear]
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I think that is how you are feel about yourself right now. Is there anything you want to talk about/resolve? I’m here to help if I can” [love/reconciling karma]
Remember, there are only two: Love and Fear
This is very new territory for me, but it’s one that has proven true without a doubt, and I didn’t come from “learned responses”. Therapists are an appropriate example of who use learned responses, for legal purposes, they have to. I came from a sense of being present and responding to the situation from that need in that moment in time.
It must also be said that nothing is black and white. I have been working to manifest this Love, but couldn’t manifest it how I needed to until I had a curse removed. Freaky, right? I thought it was something you read about. I’ll go into that another time, unless someone has questions, I’m happy to answer what I know at this stage. I am determined to devote my time in learning more about it, but for now, it’s lifted and I can manifest with more clarity. Bev, I’ll talk with you more about this one-on-one, but if anyone knows anything about curses, or knows someone who does know, please send them my way. I won’t friend request someone I don’t know, but if they can message me that they are your friend, I’ll friend them. I am pretty passionate about this topic since it’s hit so close to home for me.
In conclusion, I want to assure you that this age of experiencing Love is GOING to happen, so don’t get frustrated if it gets overwhelming, whatever you can to help raise the vibration is what matters – intent. There are those set in place for this specific time to ensure that it manifests. I believe I am here for that purpose because that truth resonates with me, and it took me time to stabilize with that resolve but it is my truth, so. I don’t remember a time where I’ve felt that I belonged here, and I knew I wasn’t truly indigenous.
I must mention and give heartfelt gratitude to a friend for working through the curse with me, and helping me see the potential in myself of who I am and how to slowly find and follow my path.
There aren’t words to describe being free from a curse unless you have experienced it – and I’d never wish this for anyone over any dispute, hurt, control or jealousy – basically all bi-products of a fear-based mentality. I’ve been fortunate to find this person to be there when it does surface again, or when I have questions or feel alone in this journey.
Because of what we have been indoctrinated to believe our whole lives, we have to keep in mind that, we will vacillate between sense and nonsense because everything we have perceived is changing, and that’s always grounds for instability. Be kind to yourself and others. We are all operating from our own level of consciousness.
Where my persona was August 2016
A Reverence for Life…
Every day, we see life, and walk on by because our thoughts are wrapped up in past or future events. I find it difficult to be ‘present’ because it is usually seen as unproductive or unconventional to self-express my creativity.
When I was a child, I loved the things I had so much that I named each one and treated them the same as I did people. I didn’t really want what others had [though I enjoyed them], my imagination was always much more exciting. Having that within myself felt spiritual on a level I could not feel with people, which explains why I was always alone and in nature.
I didn’t know that my belongings were alive with my energy as I gave them significance in this world in relation to me. This would be a glimpse into how to create life in and around me as an adult.
I seem to have this intense focus when I want to and I find that it only takes 24 hours sometimes to manifest what I want. I tend to love all my creations deeply, and that includes the people that come in and out… Whoever comes in, and whatever goes out of my life is evidence of what I’m creating, an aspect of who I am, what I’m thinking, and where I’m headed, which is why it’s so important to give our intentions thoughtfulness and reverence. It’s simultaneous in innocence and divine power.
This is why we should fall in love with everything in our lives.
I’ve also experienced what it’s like to manifest very dark things. This began when I allowed my family and others to dictate how I should behave and conduct myself. I thought it was natural because being innocent was no longer age appropriate.
I’d been rejected my whole life by those closest to me, and I wasn’t really fitting in with anyone I was coming across. Everything seemed to be so harsh and disappointing. I was lost and angry, and hurting others was not an option. I began to isolate and had a brief time where I experienced agoraphobia. I just could not function anymore it seemed.
This trauma created a huge riff between my soul and my experience. I didn’t realize the dark world I was about to create based expressly on the negative information and hurtful statements about “who I was” to them. Because of my abilities, my mother, who influenced the rest of my family, said very damaging things that she said she saw in me. I’ve only recently learned that we are mirrors to others, so what she was seeing in me, was truly what she didn’t want to see in herself. But it had been too late at that point, I was devastated.
There was no life to be found and to think I was capable of doing that to others paralyzed me. My recurring dreams were trying to warn me of my condition [picture attached]. I just sat there, suspended in a bubble, unable to move in any direction because it was so painful.
Life was over for me, and I had no idea how to get it back.
In 2015, I spent six months doing heavy and intense research on the different ways I could choose to painlessly exit and, knowing how fervent prayer works, I created mantras that I’d say all throughout the day to accelerate it. A few months later, what I was manifesting presented itself, and I transitioned, but didn’t know it. I believe I passed into another time line.
A blood clot had been removed from my head, apparently, but I felt amazing. Nothing inside me was the same, even though my surroundings didn’t change much. The only thing to do was dig myself out of the hole I’d previously put myself in, which was simply bullshit, but that is where I was.
I opened myself up to guides and was told to never stop running. I made matrix after matrix to manifest change for myself and bring about a different world altogether. I read Manifesting Change by Mike Dooley, found a book called Everything Toltec Wisdom and a few on quantum physics. Things were happening, my perspective on the world was changing and, even though I was still very angry inside, I knew I was on the right path to healing everything. Not sure what my purpose was, but I had a long way to go maybe.
I had come to a point where I knew that I could change everything, and I struggled because it was scary knowing I was responsible for everything I saw and the potential I had to change it. I get why it’s easier to have religion [aka scapegoats] to fall back on to take responsibility for our shitty manifestations and why we have a right to stay there.
I decided that I’d go back to creating life again, so I connected with my things and asked for their help as I struggled to enlighten. And as beautiful as it was to discover what I could do so far, the world felt very cruel as it shattered into pieces and came together, fell back to pieces and reformed… expanding and contracting – over and over and over.
I had to stop asking myself how I felt about anything because I was just too exhausted and I couldn’t do it anymore at times. I knew I could never go back, and it felt like all I could do was crawl forward when I couldn’t walk anymore. It paid off, because I felt myself altering my environment and time, along with anything else I did not like and wanted to change. When you discover that you can manipulate your reality, it’s INCREDIBLE, coupled with cautious awareness that there’s something bigger to answer to now. A lot like holding a loaded weapon; everything changes in proximity to it.
Knowing that we have abilities and limitless opportunity to recreate ourselves and our environment does a lot to put things in perspective. When we discover this, it’s not long after that that we begin to merge with the concept of respecting life and what we do with it.